I remember back in September of 2009. I felt so accomplished. I had signed my record deal and quit my job with the help of my son’s mother to completely focus on music. It was one of the greatest moments in my life.
I was so absord on this song I was writing called Freedom Fighter. Everyday I was fine tuning the lyrics and chord progression. But I began to feel very uncomfortable. I lived in a large apartment complex and completely shut myself out from the outside world. I ran my air conditioner 247 so no one could hear what I was working on. I began secluding myself and becoming very paranoid. To be clear about my emotions, I felt my death was around the corner. I felt as though everyone in the world hated me and was praying for me to die in the most horrific way…my head getting chopped off with a sword. It was a very scary experience.
Soon enough I started having auditory hallucinations. Hearing voices that only I could hear. These were evil witch sounding voices that would never shut the fuck up. They would tell me to kill myself, slice my wrists and that they were going to kill me. No matter what I did they would not stop. I felt as if I was in hell and that everything I ever did wrong put me there. It got to the point that I couldn’t distinguish what was reality. That was the reality I was living with.
I turned to the bible, it didn’t work. I made amends with everyone I knew and it didn’t make it stop. I was living in absolute fear of everything. I just wanted it to stop. I began going to Saddleback Church and the voices still followed even in church. I stopped sleeping because of the nightmares and the paranoid feeling someone would kill me in my sleep.
My cousin Andre, my manager at the time came into town because I had two days booked in the studio. He was really the only one I could trust. I lost all trust in my son’s mother. It felt as if there was a giant conspiracy going on and she was involved to get me killed.
I remember going to the studio and I was in a complete psychotic mindset. There was one specific moment that I could never forget. Ronnie King and I were jamming Freedom Fighter with David Sachs. It was a blissful moment. I closed my eyes and I had a vision of a Native American chief walking peacefully. I felt chills throughout my body exalted by this vision. It was like the chief was trying to send a message to me.
Okay enough about this, it brings too many scary memories. I’ll try to continue tomorrow.